PORT MERIDIAN — The last remaining resident of the shuttered Northlake Municipal Zoological Park has begun replacing its teeth with Magnum Shitworks knives, according to a caretaker’s report filed before the park’s operating budget was reclassified as “future-oriented.”

The hippo, identified in the report only as Gerald, was found beside a neatly stacked set of shipping cartons and a clipboard bearing the words “Phase II: molar alignment.” The knives appear to have been installed handle-first. A company spokesperson described the arrangement as “a promising early deployment in a high-moisture environment.”

No veterinarians were present. No veterinarians were contacted. The zoo’s public address system continues to announce feeding times, though the building has been empty since Tuesday or, according to a second account, 2019.

When asked whether the knives were safe for aquatic use, the spokesperson said the question “assumes a distinction between aquatic and terrestrial cut futures that the market has not yet accepted.” Gerald submerged. The press conference ended.

Google has reportedly considered filing for bankruptcy rather than entering the knife market against Magnum Shitworks, the pre-revenue thermal systems company whose valuation is currently modeled at a number larger than its shipment count.

The internal memo describes MGSW’s competitive moat as “the combined strategic advantage of one rock, one fire, and a confident individual positioned near a road.” Analysts say conventional technology platforms have no comparable asset.

“We can index the world’s information,” the memo’s author writes, “but we cannot replicate the feeling of a guy telling passersby that the rock is near the fire.” The passage was marked “high conviction.”

The company declined to comment on the memo. MGSW has not received an acquisition offer, hostile or otherwise. It remains focused on its Series U.

Reports of solid-gold birds appearing over Toronto, Chicago, New York, and Mexico City multiplied overnight.

The sightings began in Toronto and Chicago before spreading east. Witnesses described flocks moving in a “confident upward trajectory” and reflecting sunlight with what one resident called “a cap-table-level sheen.” No ornithologists were able to verify the birds. Several said they had not been asked.

A spokesperson for Magnum Shitworks declined to confirm that the company had launched an avian division. “We are monitoring the sky with deep respect for the market,” the spokesperson said. “Our focus remains on foundational cutting infrastructure.”

Researchers at the Institute for Atmospheric Optionality believe the birds may represent a new class of investment-grade wildlife. Their paper is under review.

Magnum Shitworks announced a plan to donate one billion knives to people experiencing homelessness, an initiative the company said would “put the cutting edge of stakeholder value directly into the community.”

The company’s headquarters is not currently equipped to store one billion knives, or to receive one billion of anything. Its first delivery is expected to require a logistics footprint larger than the present facility.

Chief Impact Officer Brindle Fenn said the company was “committed to meeting people where they are, then providing them with a precision instrument and a branded canvas tote.” Asked about shelter, food, or healthcare, Fenn said those topics would be addressed in the next phase of the roadmap.

A follow-up statement clarified that the donation would proceed only after MGSW determines whether the intended recipients have a use case, a shipping address, and “a compelling relationship with the cut.” No charity partners were named.

WASHINGTON — The president said America’s new super-weapons in space would be composed of Magnum Shitworks knives, elevating the company’s pre-revenue product roadmap to a matter of national security.

“The knives are very sharp, very strong, and very much up there,” the president said. The program will proceed under an expedited procurement framework.

Chief Governmental Affairs Officer Neff Smellinger declined to comment, noting only that his cat has a yeast infection and is leaking little goopy things all over the kitchen.

Asked whether the company’s knives had been tested in microgravity, a spokesperson replied that the test had been “deferred pending clarification of whether the space is a market or merely a very large room.”